026. What does “unmanageability” mean to me?

Not being able to prioritise properly. No longer being in control of one’s actions. An increase in negative behaviours.

029. What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?

I have hurt them in more ways than I can probably appreciate. I probably lost their trust and I also lost the respect of my sister in particular.

030. What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?

I damaged all friendships, some irreparably so. I used some friends for what they could give me in the form of drugs/money for drugs.

031. Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?

Yes. Both during pre- and active addiction. I’ve been manipulative and it’s something I am more aware of now and am actively trying to change it.

032. Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?

I generally always try and consider others but during active addiction I didn’t consider the feelings of my clean friends when/if I used around them.

033. Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?

Yes I have always “owned” what I’ve done, even if only for stupid reasons like pride. During active addiction doing daily, routine things fell by the wayside in favour of getting high. In recovery, I have gained back the will to follow through with my responsibilities.

034. Do I fall apart the minute things don’t go according to plan? How has this affected my life?

Before and during active addiction I would get upset if things didn’t go to plan. This was usually because changes in plans gives me high anxiety as I overthink everything. In recovery, I am actively trying to be better with this.

035. Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?

I used to, and sometimes still do, take this personally. This usually stems from a low self-esteem which I am currently working on improving. It has made friendships challenging especially when I react negatively.

036. Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?

I wouldn’t say “panic” but I suppose I could say I approach many things as if they were going to fail. I always thought this drove me to try harder but it is very pessimistic to to others.

037. Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow?

No, I usually listen to my body and act accordingly. I did, however, ignore what I knew the drugs were doing to my body.

038. When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.

Yes I have put myself in danger both while either drunk or high. I did not care about the outcome at the time. I would drive erratically, take more drugs than I knew was “safe”, etc.

039. Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction?

Yes. I physically stabbed someone and I said emotionally hurtful things to people I love.

040. Do I have temper tantrums or react in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.

I have before acted in an aggressive manner of throwing things and yelling at an unreasonable volume.

041. Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?

Yes I took drugs to distract me from my own mind. I did crystal meth to feel normal (my body always feels like it’s on edge), cocaine to have fun and make me more sociable, and eventually heroin to kill the pain I felt inside.

05 Unmanageability
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